Cheese

I love cheese. No, seriously, I LOVE CHEESE. I love it on everything; sandwiches, salads, soups, cracker toppers, melted in a bowl for dipping, etc. Yesterday, I had 7 cheese singles throughout the day. I would have had more but I was trying to control myself. I had it in grilled cheese at lunch, cheese n crackers after work, and on ham sandwiches for dinner. I have visions of swimming in pools of cheese. When I die, I hope it's in a fondue accident. Cheese just makes everything better. I heart you cheese.

Frustration sets in

I gained this morning. I gained 1.6 lbs from yesterday and it's insulting because I was really good yesterday. Marc went to the store and got some oreos and milk. They looked so good but I didn't even smell them. When I got on the scale this morning I was feeling really confident and skinny if I do say so myself. I stepped on and didn't believe my eyes. I thought "Oh, maybe I was standing funny, let's try this again." I re-did it and it said the same thing. Are ya kidding me? My first thought was I should have had those oreos and milk. Being good got me no where. Now, I know what you're thinking, good thing I didn't eat the oreos, I might have gained even more. Well, if I would have had the oreos, then I would at least feel like there was something to blame on that gain. Now I just feel jipped and oreo-less. :(

Catalyst & "Free" Day

If anyone ever needed a catalyst for change, this picture surely will do it for you. I've been assured several times I do not actually look like this. It was blamed on the angle of the photographer, the fact that I'm looking down, and whatever else pops into people's brains, but there it is. That picture was taken on June 7th at my friend Taylor and Dan's. He put it on his facebook and myspace and I was mortified. I immediately sent his wife an e-mail requesting it be brought down for fear others would see it even though I'm not tagged in it. I notice that request went unanswered but that did allow me to steal it and put it on here, so I guess it's a blessing it was never taken down. Public shaming is a successful tactic when wanting people to perform a certain behavior. Like when they publish the names of dead beat Dad's in the paper or make a billboard of people who are late on their taxes to get them to pay. I just got a wave of panic thinking about this picture being displayed on a large billboard down Veterans Parkway.

Let's get real honest for a second. I look like Java the Hut in this picture. (Star Wars geeks is it spelled the way it sounds?) It is not ok to look like this and it makes me want to bitch slap the people around me for not giving me a heads up to the fact that I was ballooning back out like that. Grrrrossss!

This weekend has gone ok. When I use to do Weight Watchers regularly I still did my version of it. I was good during the week and then had what I called "free weekend", which meant the weekend was free game. I had decided that is not the route I would take this time. I would actually follow plan and do it the right way. Well, that was until last night when I had 3 glasses of wine at Taylor and Dan's and somehow free night popped into my mind and I completely justified it. I ate some Carlos O'Kelly's dip and some chips and then decided on the way back to Marc's that we should definitely stop and get some Chinese. Gew. Remember that sweet n sour chicken I wanted to beat Marc in the head for earlier this week? Well I totally got it. The weird thing though? It didn't taste as good as I thought it would. I think part of me felt so bad for "giving in" that I couldn't enjoy my gluttony in full. It was good but I didn't eat much of it. I covered the rest and told Marc to eat it for lunch today. I logged on to Weight Watchers today and tracked all my food and drinks from yesterday. I actually didn't do too bad for a "free night". Today is the last day of the week. The head start I got on the 10.4 in 2 weeks challenge is coming in handy. I'm only .1 lbs ahead of schedule now. Eeks!

Get away from me devil woman!

I went to McDonald's yesterday to get one of their tasty Southwest Salad's with grilled chicken. I am obsessed with them lately. They are delicious and filling and well, I just love them. Anyways, I'm waiting in the drive-thru line and I see the woman in front of me only got a vanilla ice cream cone. My internal dialogue "Wow, that looks delicious. Ice cream sounds so good right now. Maybe I should get some Weight Watcher's ice cream cups later. Actually, McDonald's ice cream isn't that bad for you, only 3 points, I could come back for one for a treat sometime." It's now my turn, I pull up to the window and the woman hands me my drink and then says "Would you like an ice cream cone? The girl made an extra one." I screamed "NO! GET AWAY FROM ME DEVIL WOMAN!", I screeched my tires and pulled away without my salad. Actually no, I just said no thanks and took my salad. I know she was just trying to be nice but I wanted to claw her eyes out.

That reminds me of a story. From the time I was 14-16 I worked at McDonald's. They use to give us employee cups that were just a little bigger than a dixie cup. We were allowed to have water or any soft drink we liked. What did I fill mine with when the manager wasn't watching? Chocolate shake. And I wonder how I got fat.

Anyways, yeah for the small victory yesterday of turning down FREE ice cream. The scale and I are friends again. Down 1.2 lbs from yesterday so I've lost 5.4 lbs since Monday and now just have 5 more to go. I've decided if I hit this ridiculous goal of 10.4 lbs in 2 weeks I'm getting the platinum package at Fox N Hounds. Manicure, pedicure, facial, and 60 minute massage.

Damn you scale!

At the end of May I made a goal. I would lose 5 lbs throughout the month of June. Well, I finally realized on June 16th that instead of losing 5 lbs, I had gained 5 lbs, technically 5.4. In my defense I had a birthday June 7th and there was lots of cakes, pies, cobblers, and a general glutenous attitude. I decided I would still try to achieve my goal. That means I have to lose 10.4 lbs in 14 days. On Weight Watchers they tell you not to weigh yourself everyday. Well I've always been a rebel so I do it anyways. I have to lose .75 lbs per day to get to my goal. Well Day 1 was quite the success, down 3.6. Yesterday, another solid day, down another 1.4. I was thinking, I'm way ahead of goal, this should be easy. I know that not everyday will be this good but I'm feel pretty arrogant. Then today, I gained .8. Mother fucker!!!!! I was pissed. I had been so good yesterday too, ate a salad with turkey and black beans for dinner and ran my fat ass for 40 minutes. Marc got home and wanted to go get some takeout from Jade Garden (formerly Ming's Wok) where he got sweet n sour chicken, pork fried rice, and an egg roll. I just sat there and sipped my water and pretended like I didn't want it, but really I was desperate to club him in the head and steal the glorious MSG filled platter. About an hour later he wanted to run up to Casey's to get a drink. He came out with the king size PB Twix bar. We went back to his place and put in Mind of Mencia and he started to eat it. Have you seen these things? They look delicious, Peanut Butter covering some chocolate wafer thing dipped in milk chocolate. Every fat girl's dream. He thought I was being affectionate by asking for a kiss, but really I just wanted to be closer to the sweet peanut butter and chocolate scent. I didn't eat any of it though, not even a bite. Have you ever played the "I'll just have A bite" game? It doesn't end well.

I know there are lots of good explanations for not losing again today. My muscles might be retaining water from my run since my legs are sore, maybe I have to pooh, and weight just naturally fluctuates from day to day. I really wanted it today though after being so good yesterday. F-in scale. I thought we were friends this week?

Here's to starting over.....

I can't stop eating. I love eating. I hate working out. I'm creating a blog of my never ending journey. Hopefully you might find it comforting if you are on your own journey or perhaps you don't like me and think this is amusing. Either way, welcome.

I was always the fat kid. I remember having the worst rashes between my thighs because they rubbed together when I wore dresses and skirts. There was nothing better than the sweet relief of aloe and a fan on my burning legs. I also remember being in 4th grade and getting ready for open house. Our teacher, Mrs. Watson wanted us to create an "About Me" profile to put on our desk for our parents. Included in this wonderful description was our height and weight. To make sure it was entirely accurate she brought in a tape measure and scale. The doom I felt was overwhelming. I remember seeing 100 lbs on the scale and writing it in pencil on my paper. I sat back down at my desk, eyes getting blury from tears that were forming as I defiantly erased the 100 and put in 95. I remember thinking at the time I was going to be in trouble for lying, but I didn't care, I wasn't going to be the fattest kid in class.

I'd like to think that all the painful memories of being a fat kid can be used as fuel to make me work harder. Don't get me wrong, I am not doing this for health reasons. I could give a crap about extending my life expetency by 5 to 10 years. I drink, smoke, and tan--I'm obviously not the poster child for good decisions. I am more motivated by the hopes of running into somebody like Colin Dameron someday. Colin is a boy I went to junior high with who use to call me a sow everyday at lunch. I hope if I run into him again as an adult, he is still short and looks like trailer trash, preferrably balding. He probably doesn't remember who I am, but I will never forget him.

This week I decided to get back on the wagon. Since Marc and I got together I have let the gym and Weight Watchers go down the shitter. I do not want to be one of those people who becomes comfortable in a relationship and gains 20 lbs in the first 3 months. I don't want to look at him everyday and ask, "Have I gotten fatter since we got together?" I know the answer. I have a scale, mirror, and the lovely marks on my stomach from where my pants are digging in now that they are getting a bit snug. I have started back on Weight Watchers and am trying to be more consistent with my working out. Robbie Garrett (thanks Robbie) referred me to personal trainer he sees. The guy works out of his garage but knows his stuff. Our first workout was yesterday and I got lightheaded but I'm determined to not give up and made an appointment for next week.

So welcome to my journey. Feel free to share your own stories, tips, recipes, and general commentary.